I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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