I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
