My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
