I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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