I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
