you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
