she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
