my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
