I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
