i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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