just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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