its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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