I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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