Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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