Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
