You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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