glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
whose ass print is on the piano?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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