you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
it hurts more in the daytime
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
