i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
there was a trapeze. enough said
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
