Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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