just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
