I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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