so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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