actually, I'm a sock model
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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