I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
