I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
