My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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