Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
