Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
