so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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