seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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