I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
