Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
