So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Randomize
