You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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