I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
