I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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