I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
