Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She's the barista slut.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
