The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
