I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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