I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
