smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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