so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
