Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
