My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
3pm strippers are depressing
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
