Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
