my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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