People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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