I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
