we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
